Chapter 5: Counting Obnoxious Behavior: The concept, the "magic" if you will, appears deceptively simple. Count down, "that's one," "that's two," "that's three, take five" when your child is misbehaving (exhibiting a "STOP" behavior). The key would be the NO TALKING, NO EMOTION talked about in the last chapter. As in, when you take the child to time out, you don't say a thing and you show no emotion. This was really a kind of AHA moment for me as we both always seem to talk to the kids (through clenched teeth) when taking the kids to time out. So THAT'S what we've been doing wrong! The more you talk, and the more you emote, the more you are starting to "beg" your child to behave instead of putting responsibility for good behavior where it belongs - on their shoulders. Another important point? If the behavior is serious enough, you can go directly to "that's 3, take 5 and add 15 minutes for the seriousness of the offense." He also give some alternatives to time-outs in this chapter: groundings, fines, chores, loss of computer time, etc.
Chapter 6: Twenty Questions: This chapter addresses 20 common questions parents have when learning about the 1-2-3 method. For instance, how long between counts (5 seconds), what do you do if the child counts back to you (ignore her), and does the time out room need to be completely empty (no but it should not have a phone, any electronic entertainment, and no friends). He had a very good point for a child that may say "I don't care that I'm in time out in my room - I like my room!" - uh, hello, if your room was so great, you would have been in it already! This man is sharp, I tell you. I'm starting to have some hope here. In this chapter he also makes his case again against spanking: physical discipline tends to generate anxiety in children, lowers self-esteem, and tends to make them more aggressive themselves. I know that for our kids (and I recognize that all children are different), since we stopped spanking, they have stopped hitting me and the complaints from our son's teachers about his aggressiveness have all but disappeared.
Chapter 7: What To Do in Public: Summed up in one sentence, Dr. Phelan said " The long term welfare of your kids comes before short term worries about what others are going to think." He recommends some time-out alternatives if you don't any place to use as a time out "room." He also advises not to put children in some situations to start with - like bringing a toddler to church or when traveling, try to time your trip so that the child is sleeping for most of it.
Chapter 8: Variations: Sibling Rivalry, Tantrums and Pouting: I laughed out loud when I saw this line - "Never ask the world's stupidest questions " What Happened?" and "Who Started It?" How well I know those questions, both as a child being asked, and asking my own children. Instead, he advises counting both children. He also addressed the question of what do you do if your child is STILL having a tantrum and his time-out minutes have "expired?" Simple, the time out doesn't start until the tantrum stops. And pouting? Ignore it. Easier said than done.
Chapter 9: The Kickoff Conversation: subtitle "The Kids Will Look at You Like You've Just Lost Your Mind." Really? I'm not so sure my 2 and 4 year old have the capacity to even understand a conversation like he advocates for older kids. Luckily, he agrees - for the younger set, just start counting and doing the time outs. Don't forget - NO TALKING and NO EMOTION.
Overall, I'm loving this book. It's giving me some real concrete ideas for getting the "STOP" behavior, to, well, STOP. I'm looking forward to learning about those "START" behaviors as well.
**I wrote this post on my private blog back in February 2007. Participating in the is blogging book along was one reason I decided to start this review blog.**
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